Softball News: The Last Two Weeks

The latest updates to get you through the day

It appears the Commissioner has his own opinions when it comes to hotdogs---and you are subject to them!

Wednesday June 24

Well HELLO SOFTBALL ENTHUSIASTS. Here we are again with some “wonderful” HIGHLIGHTS and lowlights from last Wednesday’s game.

And JUST FYI: We will be playing this Wednesday even though it will be HOT-HOT-HOT!
Remember SOFTBALL is not for timid, weak, insecure, sissies.
SOFTBALL IS FOR MEN: STRONG, BRAVE, ATHLETIC MEN who MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR MISSING A GAME! NO SHUTTER PAINTING. NO LAWN MOWER RIDING. NO MY BACK HURTS COMPLAINING!

So, no excuses: It will be hot- who cares. We have water!

The USA Soccer Game is on---who cares as it is a communist sport and I think Zohran Mamdani plays it! And see Dana White’s Comments on soccer if you have time (YouTube)!

SO SEE YOU ALL WEDNESDAY:
And to celebrate OUR COUNTRIES 250th BIRTHDAY, we will have FIREWORKS after the game!
We will also CELEBRATE THE CONSECRATIONS OF FOUR BISHOPS! Deo Gratias!
And CONCESSIONS: Hopefully with Fr. Boyle’s approval: Hot Dogs and drinks---donation only.
Bring the whole family. Have Fun. Have Dinner. Cheer the teams. Harass the ump.

LEAVE THE COMMISH ALONE. He is old, cranky and has enough stress in his life! Already

The Commish

PS: I have a list for Guido. It will be a list of those who have not paid their $20 Summer Softball Fee!
So far I have collected from 11 of our roughly 28 players. Guido will be very busy next week, I fear!

HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Nick Halligan continued his HR streak hitting 3 this week to give him 6 for the season. He may just break the HR RECORD being held by Anthony Zapp who had 8. Anthony should show up and defend his title. But he probably has more shutters to paint! I “shudder” to think he will not show up!!!
2. Conor Hoffman showed some pop in his bat with 2 Home Runs. I “think” the leftfielders used the flag poles to determine how deep to play. So they were actually playing shallow when Conor hit his two HRs, and they should have been routine fly outs! Sorry Conor!
3. Chris Halligan had a double but showed some awful base running and sliding and was tagged out when he slid/bounced /rolled into second---AND WAS TAGGED OUT. So we have a HIGHLIGHT and a lowlight on the same play. You could say it was a double light!
4. Gerard “Moby Dick” Jemison had a SOLID TRIPLE and did not have to take out the third baseman. Sorry Gerard. Maybe next time!
5. Adam Edwards finally made the highlights with an HR. He did, however, avoid being a lowlight as he “nearly” ran into the backstop, which would have hurt a lot!
6. Doubles Plays were pulled off by John Halligan and Brian Petersen and then by OG Roberts and Peter Halligan. Neither DPs were more than ordinary plays BUT in our league lots of egos need to be massaged.
7. Patrick Halligan got the GOLD GLOVE Award with his play in the outfield (each position but not at the same time---that would be an amazing highlight!)
8. Dominic Babson made two very nice catches in right field.
9. Anthony Zapp JR made a “lucky” catch in leftfield. You ask “WHY?” is this a highlight. I say, “Anthony did not need his clothing to help him make the catch!”
10. John Halligan had the skill (¿LUCK?) to perfectly hit second base with a ground ball which flew into centerfield beyond the diving (a halfhearted) reach of OG Roberts. Well placed John.

Lowlights:

1. Adam Edwards had two errors in the first inning, continuing his streak poor POOR DEFENSIVE PLAY. And he did not have to eat pizza while he made these two errors!
2. Adam Edwards nearly hit the Commissioner’s Car. If that was actually listed as a hit, Adam would be 3 for 16, not a good BA. As it is, he is 2 for 16, which is about 125 so he is “hitting” his weight!
3. Stephen Edwards K’d---his first of the season.
4. John Rowe felt badly for Conor Hoffman and played a shallow leftfield so Conor could get his first HR.
5. Alex Roberts showed very little efforts for most of the game at second base.
6. Sam Bradley, the worst catcher we have ever had, could not reach the pitcher on his throwbacks about 90% of the time!
7. Conor Hoffman put KETCHUP on his hot dog! What was he thinking? I have mentioned this to David, his dad the CHEF, and DAD IS GOING TO HAVE A SITDOWN DAD AND SON TALK VERY SOON!
8. Melanie Zapp complained about not being allowed to use the Golf Cart! OMG, live with it Melanie! Father Boyle does not want it to be used UNTIL THE BROKEN KEY IN THE IGNITION CASE IS SOLVED. I have a call into Sherlock Forget for some DNA sampling of the key half that is stuck in the cart. Martin tried to do a GOVERNMENT FIX on the cart with a half key solution. It does work but no way Father is satisfied with that!!!
9. Melanie Zapp took too long cooking hot dogs for the Grave Diggers and then complained about giving the hot dogs for FREE!!!
10. The ULTIMATE lowlight. Melanie Zapp locked both car fobs in her car. Should I say, “only a woman would do that”? No! I guess that sounds sexist!
    - Then Melanie called Loren Mader, who was RESTING AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY AT 9 pm, to BREAK INTO HER CAR. He did - that should be a highlight. Thanks Loren.
    - Sorry Constance! You almost had your husband for a quiet night. Maybe this Wednesday if Melanie gets her act together and ANTHONY DRIVES!
11. Lance Mader, in Anthony Zapp SR. fashion, decided to RIDE A LAWNMOWER instead of playing softball. What is going on with Lance?
12. Finally our last lowlight. Melanie Zapp threw the Commissioner "under the bus" with a complaining tirade to F. Boyle about #1 Not being allowed to use the Golf Cart and #2---something I am not familiar with---“CONCESSIONS”, for which she need the cart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!

Looks like someone couldn’t figure out how to swing

Wednesday July 8 

Hello dear friends, meant softball enthusiasts.
First of all, I need to settle some things, so I am adding a COMPLAINT HIGHLIGHT this week!

1. Mr. Petersen does not want any vehicle driving on the field. OOPS. I’ll speak to the Commissioner about that.
2. I am hoping the GOLF CART is allowed as long as the driver and passenger and equipment don’t weigh as much as my (I mean the Commissioner’s) car. Sorry Brian!!
3. I hope that means we will actually start getting some infield dirt so we can actually have a baseball diamond come spring 2027!
4. It would be nice if some players showed up early to help set up for the games. If it wasn’t for the Roberts Family, and in particular OG, the field would not be ready for the LATE ARRIVING TRADITIONALISTS SOFTBALL PLAYERS!!! The set up takes an hour. The Commissioner is OLD, VERY OLD, and needs help.

As long as we are on it, it seems those players who arrive at the last minute are the FIRST to leave—-leaving the clean up to, guess who, the Roberts family and The Commissioner. And last night the younger boys helped along with Mr. Forget who doesn't play but helps all the time with lots of things.
Speaking of the Golf Cart, Mr. Forget should have it up and running this week. Deo Gratias. Rumor has it that the KEY will not be a KEY but an implant in the index finger to those qualified. The implant will only have special info, such as: 

• Blood Type
• SS #
• Age
• Weight
• Height
• Special Dietary Restrictions
• And next of kin!!!

If you would like a key, sorry, implant, please send a text to Fr. Boyle along with your Driver’s License number and your Car and Health Insurance Carrier. Blood test will be administered in the Pole Barn as soon as your email reaches Father.
And I want to thank those who paid their Summer Softball fee and warn those that did not that GUIDO is in the area. Be aware. He is not HAPPY!
Lastly, I know I complain a lot. BUT what else can an 81-year-old cranky man do with his life!
So now
Here we go directly to the “LIGHTS” and there are many!!!

 
HIGHLIGHTS:

1. We had a great turn out of players---probably too many YOUNGUNS but I thank them for coming.
2. Hall of Famer Frank Cichowski, fresh from the Consecrations, played---played the whole game---and was easily a GOLD GLOVE FIELDER on the pitcher’s mound.
3. Gerard Roberts led off the game with a Home Run and talked about the WHOLE DARN GAME! Give us a break, Gerard!!
4. Thomas Halligan made very nice barehanded stops. However when he had his glove on, the results were not as nice (see lowlights)! One barehanded play was the beginning of a Double Play!
5. Anthony Mariani had a triple---his first extra base hit io the season. It would have been a HR, but Anthony had several cigarettes while warming up, and between innings, and before his at bat. So he was somewhat slowed down. I hope he is not smoking before he has to chase down a criminal!!
6. Perter Halligan played a great very stoic yet professional First Base.
7. Brian Petersen also played a great First Base but could not jump high enough (3 inches max lift) nor move sideways enough (about 12 inches if I am generous) nor catch any ball that was not headed to the middle of his glove as long as his glove was in the middle of his chest. 
8. The aforementioned Brian Petersen spent more time on the ground that in an upright fielding position for all 9 innings. At the end of the game Brian looked like he was ready for a few beers, a shower and a long night's sleep. This is only a Highlight because Brian will be offended by #8!
9. Stephen Edwards caught every ball hit to him or hit to another outfielder, including all the balls hit to him by his brothers. And he made a great JUGGLING CATCH of a Raf fly ball!
10. Thomas Halligan has a three-run home---closing the distance between him and his cousin Nick, who did not show up!
11. Nick Bobka homered in his re debut (he hasn’t played in 8 years) and his son Jacob made a great catch in the outfield.
12. David Melnick got a hit in his first appearance at MDA Summer softball.
13. Shawn Lynn and Krystina Roberts did a great job offering Hot Dogs and soda and chips (for a donation). These items were donated by one very nice OLD MAN, who will remain anonymous!
14. We had a great crowd: 9 humans and 2 canines. Thanks fans.
15. The FIREWORKS were Spectacular! All applauded at the spectacle---or was it because they could now go home where the AC is?!

RATINGS OF THE FIREWORKS, ACCORDING TO THE LATEST POLL:

• Shawn Lynn: “I give it a 9.5!” (9.5/10)
• Krystina Roberts: “It was cool at first but then it died.” (5/10)
• Dominic Babson: “I say, get better fireworks!” (1.5/10)
• Gerard “Hobo Savage” Roberts: “Meh.” (1/10)
• Conor “Titus” Hoffman: “Good Stuff” (10/10)
• Brian Petersen: “You know, it’s just not an Herb Hanson fire display!” (8/10)
• The Commissioner: “A good display for the amount of money that we put into it.” (10/10) Mr. Rowe is that where our $20 went?
• Joe Goldade: “I wasn’t there!” (10/10)     

16. Speaking of the enormous crowd, the Melnick girls, Natasha, Claudia, Veronica, and their lovely friends, Michaela and Maddie, prayed a Rosary at Christian’s gravesite at the end of the game. Thank you girls. God bless you. I love all these girls!!!
Lowlights:

1. Guess who could not get a good solid hit and who could not field a grounder? Yes, you are correct! Adam Edwards.
2. OG Roberts made a dive for an infield liner, looked like he was diving into a pool of water, missed the ball, but received a 9.5 from the Russian Judge.
3. Xavier Forget decided not to take a walk on 6 balls, decided he needed another pitch, AND STRUCK OUT (Ʞ)!! Base decision Xavier!!!
4. Thomas and John Halligan combined for a Double Family Error on one play---a league record!
5. Matthew Babson got thrown out of the game for wearing CROCKS. HELLO MATTHEW. This is not “whatever it is you wear CROCKS for”!!! Maybe it is fishing. Just don’t bring your smelly fishy CROCKS into the house Matthew.
6. John Halligan struck on a Frank Cichowski pitch that was so slow John swung three times at the same pitch and missed all three times---a new league record---but I may be exaggerating! Maybe he only swung twice!
7. Adam Edwards tried three times to backhand an infield grounder---but did not make any of the three plays.
8. Conor Hoffman was fined 50 cents for putting ketchup on his hot dog. He may appeal but we all know that is going nowhere.
9. After hearing about Conor’s fine, Martin Forget told me they put peanut butter in their hot dogs along with mustard and ketchup. I am glad Trump not proceeding with the annexation of Canada! 
10. Martin, this is the USA. So fix the darn golf cart and eat your PBKKMHD at home. Love you Mary Ang for what you have to put up with. I’m wondering how Martin feels about THE LGBPTMN etc. groups!!!!!???? 
11. And please Martin do not spray PB and J on any forest fires. I don’t think that will work!!!
12. Conor Hoffman tried to throw out Anthony Mariani from third to home with a ball that was just lying next to third base as it was closer that the ball he missed on the throw in from the outfield. I think Conor that is against the 7th Commandment. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL… the wrong ball. 
13. Again and for the 3rd week in a row---NO CASSOCKS. 
14. Where is the support from our clergy?
15. We do still love you and follow you. 
16. Please come and join us!

Thanks all for coming and eating and cheering and laughing. We need you and your support!
The Commissioner