Sports
Nothing but Net and Knockout: The 5th Annual St. Sebastian Shoot-Out
On Wednesday June 3, the MD Dormitory held its 5th annual St. Sebastian Shoot-out in the gymnasium after Compline. The evening was filled with lively and healthy competition between students, faculty members, and priests.
Here is a DRAMATIS PERSONÆ of those who participated:
Luke Schelstrate (6 lives), a freshman of surprising character whose “calm” demeanor masked a deadly aim and remarkable accuracy.
Fr. Richard Boyle (6 lives), a veteran and the founder of the St. Sebastian Shoot-out, who entered the lists with the confidence of a seasoned champion. It was said that the odds in Vegas for him were up +36% (whatever that means?)!
Mr. Alex Roberts (5 lives), also known as “Mr. OG”, is famous for having a competitive spirit equal to that of his enthusiasm. This means that if the ball is coming toward you, you might want to run because he’s probably coming too---probably diving!!!
Mr. Matt Mohan (4 lives), calm and steady, known for a steady hand and timely shooting. Sadly, he disappeared before the event.
Iker Guiscafré (3 lives), a Mexican whose determination sometimes outshines common sense.
Sean Kraengel (3 lives), a freshman of uncommon grit who is always prepared to face challenges.
Alfonso Cardenas (2 lives), another Mexican whose fortunes could rise as quickly as a well-aimed jump shot.
Aidan Butler (2 lives), another character of sheer determination who does not fear intimidating smaller players in order to achieve the road to victory.
Felipe Murai (1 life), entering with little margin for error, but much to prove - especially to Iker.
Tim Burns (1 life), a quiet and reserved competitor who intends to make every shot count.
Gus Burns (1 life), Tim’s brother, though not nearly so silent. He sees competition and is determined to use it.
Fr. Gregory Pfeiffer (1 life), the master of basketball in the cassock world. He is prepared to entrust the outcome to Providence and proper shooting form.
The contest follows the ancient and honorable laws of Knockout. Competitors line up behind the free-throw line, each armed with a basketball and a finite number of lives earned throughout the year. The first player shoots. If he misses, he must quickly retrieve the ball and score before the player behind him scores. Should the player behind him score first, a life is lost. When all lives are exhausted, the unfortunate contestant is cast from the tournament and consigned to the annals of history.
Players are allowed to “knockout” fellow contestants’ basketballs in order to ensure a score - at least that is the old Syracusan way.
As the competitors assembled, one notable absence immediately drew attention. Mr. Matt Mohan, holder of four lives and widely regarded as a steady and dangerous contender, failed to appear. Despite extensive speculation, no satisfactory explanation was ever discovered. Whether detained by pressing affairs, lost in the wilderness, or simply spirited away by mysterious forces remains unknown. Official records presently list his status as MIA (Missing in Action).
With Mr. Mohan absent, the contest commenced in earnest. Luke Schelstrate and Fr. Richard Boyle opened the proceedings before the remaining contestants joined according to their allotted lives. The line steadily lengthened, and before long basketballs were flying through the air with varying degrees of accuracy and success.
The first casualty of the evening was Tim Burns. Entering the tournament with but a single life, he had little room for error. Though he faced his fate with admirable composure, the merciless laws of Knockout showed no favoritism. After a brief but valiant effort, Tim became the first competitor to exhaust his lives and was therefore eliminated from the tournament. His departure served as a sobering reminder to the remaining contestants that no amount of determination could overcome a missed shot at the wrong moment.
As they moved on the field became thinner and thinner. Gus, Felipe, Alfonso, Iker and even Fr. Pfeiffer were eliminated, though the exact order of these eliminations is a matter of some historical dispute among contemporary sources.
The night grew intense as Luke, Fr. Boyle, Aidan Butler and Mr. Roberts (“Mr. OG”) raced back and forth, each man scrambling to retrieve his ball and return to the line. Time after time they sank their shots, refusing to yield an inch to their opponents. The gymnasium echoed with the sound of bouncing basketballs, swishing nets, and the cheers of spectators who sensed that the tournament had reached its decisive stage.
Finally, Fr. Boyle succumbed to a lucky shot by Aidan Butler. It was down to three!
They kept moving, hearts pounding, breath shortening, the need for inhaler increasing, and the scorekeeper - overcome by the suspense - dropped his pen. As he looked for his lost instrument, Aidan Butler bumped Mr. Roberts’ ball, officially “knocking” him out - an action he would later regret.
Now, there were two. They move quickly, neither willing to let the other win. Butler shot, but Luke was too quick. As Butler hoped to retrieve his ball, Luke sank his bucket, ending the tournament and sealing his fate as the Champion with only 3 lives remaining.
Congratulations to these fine men and thank you for another night of sportsmanship and camaraderie.
The New Champion: Luke Schelstrate.